I realize I kept sending mixed messages on my Facebook wall. Many will have concluded from those that I’m struggling. But the struggle isn’t only the day to day struggle we all face. It’s a bit more complicated in my case. I had to wrestle with a number of adverse conditions for all my life, almost from birth until today. What’s worse: For the larger part of my adult life – actually until about 7 years ago – I never exactly knew, what those conditions were and how to keep them in check. Eversince I do – or let’s say: Have a better picture of what they are – I’ve been able to address some longstanding issues and do a little bit about them. The bottomline though is: I am born with a totally overcharged, out of whack nervous system coming from early on traumatization and even the tiniest of disturbances can trigger a panic attack lasting from a few minutes to several hours. Medication doesn’t work, as the side effects proved to be near-fatal in several cases. And there is more, like e.g allergies, food-interolances that make eating sort of a Ruassian Roulette kinda game for me, several psychological issues as a result of it all etc. etc. I suffered a career burn-out in 2007 and became 100% disabled in the aftermath. I collect meager retirement payments that leave me with about 200$ per month at my disposal (for food, electricity, communications, transportation).
The system here is designed in a way that there is no straight way out of this anymore and I’m better off accepting things for what they are and learning to live with those severe limitations that often feel like jail terms. It breaks my heart to arrive at this conclusion, but on the other hand the level of adversity is simply too intense to overcome. Trust me, I’ve been fiercely trying for all of my life with (literally) gritted teeth and clenched fists, in particular during those past 7 years when I learnt of what’s been agonizing me for most of my life. However, with everything I do and no matter how well I keep my own issues in check, they always add up to all the challenges that we all face and that are particularly present in the music arena. And let’s just say, those latter challenges aren’t exactly a walk in the park, either, as I’ve tried to describe here. It’s simply too much to handle at once. Ask anyone with a physical or other challenge of a different nature and they are likely to tell you similar things, as our societies aren’t built on empathy, but greed and making a profit. There is not much room for those not constantly performing at 200% and the way things stand, many are simply left to die in the streets, as Brian O’Neal’s work with his DO Foundation shows you.
Maybe I can muster up some courage again in 2012 and continue to write, record and publish a track here and there. Maybe. I am going to move to a new, smaller, but hopefully even quieter place by the end of January and after having settled in, I must devote a lot of thinking and time to finding a better rhythm with what’s left of my life. There will have to be even more soulsearching, meditation, photography walks, bike rides, in short: Healing. I thought music could take care of a lot of that healing, but the recent little Christmas gig in my village couldn’t have possibly reminded me any more impressively of where my limitations are, as the stress level there – which is a normal thing, b.t.w. – was something of a personal 9/11 to me (those of you, who actually lost people in those tragic events may please forgive me for using this analogy. I don’t mean to be cruel or utterly insensitive, but feel pressed to highlight the outcomes of even such comparably insignificant little encounters and events).
If and whenever there is new music or anything else noteworthy along the lines of the music business, you’re going to find it here and here.
Thanks again for all your kindness, support and encouragement. We’ll see how it goes – or not.
Happy 2012, everybody!
wesbound, December 26th, 2011