So this was 2010. I guess, I will have to say it marks the lowest point in my life when looking at it from a material perspective. And looking at it from an emotional/spiritual one, it’s not too different. I haven’t even hit rock bottom, but it feels like it. As a boy, I would often have to listen to the words “You’re not going anywhere in life, you’ll end up living under a bridge!” when family got frustrated with me over not performing according to their expectations. Well, minus being homeless, pretty much everything of that prophecy has manifested. I’m praying not to become homeless, because for simple medical reasons, I’d die within weeks. And in a grim way.
On the other hand – I have had tremendous support from my online friends and especially one, maybe even two or three very good friends in real life. So I’m grateful for this very uplifting and encouraging experience – as I may have felt lost, but never was or am. However – I just don’t see, how I can come out of the shadows and the desastrous situation I have arrived at. I might have to declare bankruptcy in the coming year and I can only hope, I’ll get to keep the most basic infrastructure I need for my creative expression. So I guess, this episode of my life is about saying farewells – to people, whose significance for my life has gone to null and void, it’s probably going to be about letting go of things and services, I got used and attached to. But mostly it’s about letting go of unhealthy concepts, belief systems and ideas. When I say unhealthy, I mean to say that they were never meant for me in the first place. In many ways, I never knew myself, was never really aware of who I am, what works for me and what doesn’t. In many ways, I was more like everybody else’s personal pup or something, doing tricks when prompted. And the current external situation clearly marks this disorientation of a gargantuan degree. As all former concepts have fallen apart and as I’m realizing that they never really worked for me in the first place, I am throwing out what roadmap I thought I had. That roadmap – has taken me straight to dismay.
I repeatedly talked about making a new start in the past year and on Facebook for the most part. I meant to do that in 2007, when preparing my migration to Canada. I think, not having followed through with that may have been my biggest mistake – and then, maybe not. Those, who have faith, tend to adjust better at whatever curve ball life throws them. I guess, that is still the task for me: To discover faith – on whatever level or in whatever meaning: Faith in myself primarily. Maybe faith in some kind of meaning outside of the very close boundaries of my own heart and mind. Faith in the harmony of all people and things manifest. Faith in the talents I’m equipped with. Faith in me playing a meaningful part in the symphony of all that is. For I think I have identified and proven to myself one thing: Nothing comes from nothing. If you don’t go about making things happen – they won’t be. And in making them happen, those with faith tend to get their faster and in a much more enjoyable way – or so I seem to have identified, as well. Maybe, it’s also about rediscovering love, laughter, light-heartedness – life, basically. Human life. And life in other places than from behind a computer screen.
May 2011 bring all the things, we need to grow. Yeah, I think I’d sum it up as that: May we find all the resources and opportunities to grow. To me, it seems there’s the very nature of life: Growing, evolving into who we were meant to be from the beginning. Can I get an amen? 🙂